The photo in this post was taken 11 years ago! Watching Dreamgirls drag show in Turkey with my lovely Nan. This same holiday we went exploring around an amazing Turkish castle and ate lunch on the battlements with a sheer drop to the sea next to us. xxx
I can’t believe how much things have changed. Her hospital admittance in November has led to a lot of drastic life changes for her. When I get reports from my Mum about how she’s doing it’s hard to believe she’s the same person sometimes.
I love my Nan so much that this is breaking me. There’s definitely a bit of hero-worshipping on my part. It’s really hard being so far away from her now she’s going through this. Not being able to drive and help the rest of my family take care of her really hurts. I struggle to think of her now without crying and missing the person she was. She is, hands-down, one of THE most influential people in my life. It’s crazy how quickly it’s all happened.
Dementia and Alzheimer’s are bastards. They’re soul destroying. I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it is for her. One minute she’s active, doing everything she can to fill her days, buying a new house, helping her siblings, chasing my boys around her garden, doing jazzercise, gardening, sewing, and always cooking. Now, we can’t even trust her with a kettle.
The same woman who taught me how to cook so many things from scratch. Taught me to garden, to line dance, to grow fruit and vegetables, to bake, to make jams, to knit, and so much more. She was my safe place when I fell out with my Mum when I was younger. She always had a bowl of cauliflower cheese and a blackberry and apple pie for me in her fridge when she knew I was coming, she took me on amazing days out and created so many good memories with me. Now she doesn’t remember most of them – it hurts. I feel like I’ve been stabbed in the heart.
It’s not just the memories that fade, it’s also remembering how to do basic daily tasks, it’s drastic personality changes, moments of unexplained frustration and anger, confusion, and regression.
I’ve helped patients with dementia so many times, but when it’s so close to your heart, no matter how much you know about it and how many people you’ve helped before – it’s so much worse. I feel like an outsider just waiting for updates and watching her degrade through a telescope.
My Mum, Aunt and sister have worked tirelessly to keep her home. She’s currently in respite for a few weeks. It’s putting so much strain on them. I feel guilty I can’t help. I’m mainly just a sounding board for my Mum. I have sent links and resources to training for dealing with dementia – I’m the research bunny. That’s what I do. Disaster strikes and I’m straight on my PC trying to find research, training, resources, evidence, scholarly articles and scientific experiments that can help me figure it out. I’m the remote family member. I participate by watching the WhatsApp chat, throwing in some facts, figures and links. Then I sit there anxiously waiting for someone to acknowledge that I’m trying to help, in my own way. I find it easier to detach myself from things, put my head down, plough on then deal with the fallout when it’s all over. I’ve learnt to try and reign my emotions in and roll with the punches. But Nan, she’s a different story altogether. She’s on of my 4 pillars – one of the main people that keeps me going. I’m failing at holding it in.
Love x
TheAnxiousPixie
Having trouble coping with Dementia in your family? Check out these resources:
https://www.dementiauk.org/
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/dementia/about/
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/
https://www.vision2learn.net/course/free/131/dementia-care-level-2
https://www.dementiafriends.org.uk/
The Anxious Pixie 