In this morning’s episode of “how difficult can my suspected SEN kid be?”
He was fine, absolutely fine. Had breakfast with the usual complaint, went off and got dressed, fine. Came downstairs a bit hyper and distracted. Making lots of noise and joking around. Fine.
Asked him to put his shoes on and all hell broke loose. “I don’t know what to wear, I don’t have enough shoes, I can’t wear those my wristband won’t go in the right place.”
“Moo, just put some shoes on, here’s your black ones, get them on now.”
Nope, shut down.
Took him through to the Den to be with the rest of us while we all got ready to go to school. My “10-minute warning” alarm goes. Pleading with him and giving him ultimatums to get his shoes on. “If you don’t put them on you can’t wear that shirt”, a flip sequin Batman one. I thought that one would work. Nope. Shut down. Took his shirt away. He’s crying – “I’ve told you how to fix it, get your shoes on and the shirt is yours.” Nope, shut down.
I put his shoes on and then walked off to sort something out for his brothers. Walked back in and he’s pulled them off and launched the shoes, the dog has bitten the laces. I didn’t realise this until I put them on him, tied the laces – *snap* Aargh!!! Can something go right this morning please?!
Grabbed his other trainers out of the shoe unit. Put them on him. They’re “uncomfortable” apparently. I know there’s nothing wrong with them. I’ve checked, I used to fit shoes for a living and used to be on of the highest earners in my store and trained new starters, if anyone knows it’s me!!! I put a different shirt on him because he refused to do the shoes himself.
Daddy leaves for work, he’s got the two younger ones ready for the day (phew! Thanks hubbly!). After giving me a huge hug, telling me he loves me, and wishing me luck, he offers Bash a reward for being so good today – Moo hears this and strops. I give Bash and Bee attention for being so good and helpful this morning. Then go back to getting Moo ready.
Put his cardigan on – nope, off it comes and gets thrown on floor. Put it on him again, tell him to get bookbag and usher the chaos out the front door. The “Leave Now” alarm goes off and I start getting stressed. My shoulders start hurting. Moo throws his bookbag on the floor and kicks it… Great! Place bookbag on child, grab his wrist and drag him to bus stop whilst pushing pushchair.
“Let me go, let me go”
No Moo, I won’t. You’ve got to learn that the world doesn’t stop because you’re tired and having a meltdown. We’ve all got things to do, Moo has school, Bash has nursery and I’ve got to get back and tidy up and prep dinner for tonight as I’m working at the pub later, and if I don’t, no one eats.
At the bus stop the cardigan ends up on floor again. Back on it goes.
He’s going to explode, I can see it. On the bus I sit him on my lap and cuddle him , he’s screaming “let me go, let me go!” I know if I let him go things will get worse. So I sit there, holding him, I’m silent.
Off the bus, let him go for a moment, he hits Bash. Again I’ve got him by the wrist and frog marching him up the hill. I can’t let go now, if I let go he’ll bolt and either I won’t be able to catch him or he’ll lash out at Bash. We get to school, I sit on the playground floor, holding him. He’s screaming, crying, going red in the face.”let me go, let me go”. Parents are watching me, staring, judging, I’m daring them in my head to approach me, go on, say something, I need to explode now too! The door opens!! Yes!!! The end is in sight. Up we get. I hand Moo to his TA, he grabs the metal pole next to the door and digs his heels in, pushing against her. I remove him from the pole and he flies in!! He bursts out crying. I start to walk off, but I turn and see him broken and have to go back. I talk to him, give him a cuddle and leave him with his TA. Quick chat with her and we arrange that he can have a “meet and greet” in the office on days where he’s melting down! Yaaay! That will stop the stares and embarrassment from other parents and help Mooey. I feel deflated, beaten, heartbroken. My poor baby, his head is so broken and I don’t know how to make it better for him. If I push too hard he could have a seizure. If I don’t push hard enough he won’t learn.
I’m not angry with Moo, he can’t control it. I’m trying to protect him from himself and help him as best I can. He has issues, he’s being assessed and we have a loose diagnosis of ADHD and Autism from Paeds to keep us going until CAMHS picks us up on the ASD and ADHD pathways. It’s so bloody hard though. I’m doing the best I can with the resources I have right now. When is it enough though? I’ve been fighting for him, and against him nearly all his life. Is it ever enough? Will I always be fighting for this boy? I love him so much. I know deep down I’ll always fight for him. My life has purpose because of him.
I’ve hidden in the local café to relax and get this written before I go home, edit and publish. Coffee and a cake an I might be okay enough to get on with my day. I hope this afternoon is better. All I have is hope.
Love,
The Anxious Pixie xxx
The Anxious Pixie 